Leading Myself: I have Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is an interesting phenomenon. In her book, Fierce Self-Compassion, Dr Kristin Neff defines the concept as “being a good friend to ourselves”. Compassion can come easily to us for other people. The desire to alleviate the suffering of those we love, to show grace, mercy or empathy in times of difficulty, is part of being in a positive relationship with others. Why is it so challenging to turn this compassion inwards and give ourselves the same grace, mercy and empathy?

This month we are going to investigate some practical ways to show self-compassion to ourselves. Whether we are in need of some fiercer or tender self-compassion, this is a muscle worth strengthening as we continue to grow into who God is calling us to be.

One of the greatest tools that women have at our disposal is our caring force. Dr Neff writes that our caring force is made up of both tender and fierce compassion. Tender compassion is when we nurture to alleviate suffering, while fierce compassion is when we take action. Together these attributes make for an effective caring force that combines strength and love.

We need to learn to turn this caring force inward as well as outward. To be fierce, is not a character flaw to be dealt with anymore than to be tender is to be considered weak. We can and should embrace the bold and soft aspects of ourselves and turn compassion towards ourselves in times of challenge.

According to Dr Neff’s model for self-compassion, there are three elements: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness. All three must be present for a healthy and stable mindset.

Mindfulness requires the ability to acknowledge our discomfort. Rather than suppressing, numbing or avoiding our pain, we lean toward the difficult emotions that might come with suffering, mistakes or failure and pay attention to them. This is not to say that we get lost in our emotions either. Mindfulness allows us to make clear and objective observations about our ever-changing thoughts and feelings and recognise the need for support or change.

“We can’t heal what we can’t feel - Mindfulness is therefore a pillar on which self-compassion rests.”

Recognising our common humanity differentiates self-compassion from self-pity. We need to acknowledge that all humans are imperfect and make mistakes. When we fall into the trap of believing that everyone else is fine and we are the only ones who make mistakes, suffer or struggle, we exclude ourselves from receiving the grace that all of humankind needs because we are not perfect. We are all worthy of humane treatment. When we deny ourselves compassion but extend it to others, we value others above ourselves and undermine God’s truth; we have all fallen short of the glory of God, but we are also all invited into his grace.

“The wisdom of recognising our common humanity allows us to see the larger picture and realise that we are all in this together.”

Kindness is the core motivation of self-compassion - the desire to alleviate suffering. Too often we are more likely to beat ourselves up than we are to put a comforting arm around our own shoulder. We need to learn to be patient and accepting of ourselves when we make mistakes and to encourage ourselves to learn and do better next time. We need to take time to ask ourselves what we need in order to support ourselves through difficult times. These days the phrase “be kind to yourself” is fairly common - friends advising friends to show themselves the compassion that they would each other in order to cope with the hardships of life. True self-compassion doesn’t require external permission. Be the kind of friend to yourself, that you are to others.

“We can’t be perfect. Our lives will inevitably involve struggle. But when we response with goodwill, love and care to our pain, we can make a positive difference.”

Throughout the book, Dr Neff provides reflective questions and activities to encourage and teach self-compassion. To begin with, she invites you to use the self-compassion scale to assess where you’re at. You can do this online here .

First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

1 - Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

2 - Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

3- Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1. This is a moment of suffering

That’s mindfulness.

Other options include:

• This hurts.

• Ouch.

• This is stress.

2. Suffering is a part of life

That’s common humanity.

Other options include:

• Other people feel this way.

• I’m not alone.

• We all struggle in our lives.

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3. May I be kind to myself

You can also ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

This practice can be used any time of day or night, and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

You can find more free self-compassion exercises on Dr Neff’s website here .